The Power of Words

"Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tounge of the wise brings healing." - Proverbs 12:18 (NIV)

When I was in college, there was book that became pretty popular in many Christian cirlces, including my own group of friends. Gary Chapman's The Five Love Languages made an impact on the way I viewed relationships - with my family, my friends, and I hoped one day with who ever I dated. I learned how to express love to others in the ways they best understood. Back then I would have said that my "love language" was quality time - and most people would have agreed. But as time has gone on, as I have grown and changed, I think it is time to re-evaluate my love language. I think that words of affirmation are what convey love to me the most now. And I have learned that, not through the postive, but through the negative. When someone says something negative towards me, even if they weren't thinking, it hits hard with me. I really pay attention to what others are saying, and always want to be thought and spoken well of.

A kind of trivial example of this happened last week at work. I work full time plus, and am in school. I can get pretty overwhelmed and worn-out, often without even noticing. One afternoon at work, we were in the middle of shift change, and coming off of the morning shift, I had already done most of dinner set up (not my job - just trying to get out of their early). Ben came in and started eating soup. I had a spatual in my hand, and I walked over to him and asked him to help clean the counter. He looked at me and said, "I'm already done, and the managers didn't tell me to do it, so I don't have to." To which I half-jokingly replied, "It is your job no matter who tells you. Now clean the counters so I can get out of here, or I'll smack you with this spatual." He said, "Geez. Fine Miss I'm always in a rooten mood." I was flabbergasted. I asked him, "I'm not always in a bad mood, am I?" He nodded his head. Matt came in and I asked him the same question. He said, "You, yeah you are." Elizabeth walked in, so I asked her. "You? While you are here? Yeah, pretty much." I was so upset. I work really hard at maintaining my patience at that place (an incredibly hard task to do!), and was visibly upset that people thought I was always in a bad mood. Maybe I was. I was worn out, and I know I can be bossy sometimes, so maybe they took that the wrong way. My manager saw how upset I was and pulled me aside to see if I was ok. I asked him the same question, to which he said, "Liz - don't you see what they were doing? They were just messing with you because they could tell you were concerned. You do your job with a smile on your face 9 times out of 10, and that one time you don't, it is more than warrented." Even though they were just trying to get a rise out of me, it really effected me and was cause for an attitude check.

There have been other times that words have effected me more seriously. In September of 2004, one of the cooks at work made the passing comment that he noticed I was gaining weight. It was a harmless comment made in a joking manner, but for me, it became real, something that I noticed. Since then, I have been watching my diet carefully, excersing more, and have sadly become more concious of how I look. I didn't want it to be that way - I have never really cared all that much. But now I pay so much more attention to my physical apparence than I ever have. The postive from that situation is that I am healthier, and have found a new hobby, running. But they are words that still ring in the back of my mind.

When I was a sophomore in high school, my aunt pulled me aside during a family Christmas gathering. She told me how proud of me she was, and how she loved me, but how sad it made her to watch me interact with my sister. Back then we fought like cats and dogs, much of which I initiated. She told me that all the family members had noticed it, and they didn't like how that one area just didn't match up with the rest of my character. So I made it a point to pray for patience first off, with my sister. When God granted that, I asked that He grow my love for her, that I could come to appreciate her as a person, not just a sister. It has been many years in the making, but now, my sister is one of the dearest people to my heart. She is usually one of the first people I call when anything exciting or upsetting happens.

I could call out so many more situations where words have had such a profound impact on me. Passing comments have sent me through mazes to try and change, comments made in jest or sarcasim hit harder than they were intended. I know that I shouldn't put as much merit into other's words as I do, but I can't help but doing so.

Last night, my roommate called me a hypocrite. And it nearly took my breath away. Why I am here, in ministry, in school, if I can't live in such a way that people can look through my whole closet and not find any skeletons. I'm not trying to be perfect, just honest. I want people to see my mistakes and how I've learned and grown from them. I believe that is a part of the true Christian walk. But apparently, some of my more recent actions meant for trying to adjust to another culture, have portrayed me as a hypocrite. Ok, something I need to work on.

Then tonight, as Nathan was leaving for work, I stopped him on his way out the door to let him known I was staying with a friend in Wilmore tonight. To which he replied "Thank God!" I couldn't believe it. Here was someone that I love, someone that I have been trying to hard to show kindness to in a variety of ways, and he was so frustrated with me, that he couldn't even stand the thought of being around me anymore. I say this with all humbleness: I believe that my spiritual gift is Kindness. I have an unusal gift of being kind to others, usually when they don't deserve it. I love to try to make people happy, through notes, little gifts, food, pretty much anything I can do to make your life easier, I'm all over it. Here recently I have been trying to lavish the kindness on Nathan, because he has had such a rough time with other things in his life. I want home to be a place that he feels loved and cared for. I feel this is part of my mission with him. There is always homemade cake or brownies in the kitchen. I do the dirty work of cleaning up after the puppy in training. This week at the beach, I drove there and back so he could sleep. Last night I bought some fairly expensive tickets to a concert so that he could sit front row for his all-time favorite band. And it is returned with him being fed up with me. I am sure that he is just tired, and after spending an entire weekend with me just needs some time alone. That's fine - I can fully understand that. What I don't understand is why he felt the need to express that in words that literally brought tears. I try so hard to guard my tounge, to use words that will edify. And when someone so close to me purpously uses words to hurt me, I just don't understand.

James 3:2-6 reads, "We all make mistakes, but those who control their tounges can also control themselves in every other way. We can make a large horse turn around and go wherever way we want by means of a small bit in its mouth. And a tiny rudder makes a huge ship turn wherever the pilot wants it to go, even though the winds are strong. So also, the tongue is a small thing, but what enormous damage it can do. A tiny spark can set a great forest on fire. And the tongue is a flame of fire. It is full of wickedness that can ruin your whole life. It can turn the entire course of your life into a blazing flame of destruction, for it is set on fire by hell itself."

Words have a powerful effect on my heart. They are a great motivater, a harsh reality, and a pure expression of love. So please be careful with the words you chose - guard you tongues. The same sarcastic remarks that bring a laugh from others, cuts the very one you may love the most.