The Dicotamy

So here I am, hanging between two worlds...and no matter where I try to land my feet, I am an alien. I live in a world, in a culture, that puts the OK stamp on so many things, most of which I am not 100% comfortable with. It is a feel-good, in the moment world that offers so much to the seneses. Pleasure can be found in taste, sight and sound....but the result? What do we gain from a self-satisfying lifestyle? On this side of the balance, I am surrounded by friends, people I love and enjoy, but they cannot understand what it is that makes me tick. I like certain drinks, but I don't want to drink to get drunk. I like money, but I have chosen a carreer that I have to pay to be a part of. I like dating, but my boundries are so, old-maidish. They make jokes at my expense, and that's ok, I joke right along with them. I know that my chosen lifestyle, my devotion to God, can be difficult to understand.

Then there is the side of the balance, where all the "good Christians" live, work and study. And I respect their decisions, and their lifestyles, and enjoy the fact that we are able to talk philosophy on any level and appreciate the fact that I have people who would pray for me whenever I asked. But what they do not understand is how much I allow myself to be surrounded with the other side. I have a job and a roommate that many do not agree with. I enjoy wine and a good Amaretto Sour. But I'm not a heathen.

So, depending on which world I am in, I keep a part of me closed off, careful not to reveal too much, trying hard not to offend the balance. Which is fine, it works most of the time. Except for nights like tonight, where my own balance is so off kilter that I have no idea which way is up, and even less of an idea of which side to call in. In talking to my friends from the "worldly" side, they chastize me for keeping my standards too high, or being too nieve. While the ones from the "Christian" side can't understand why I would even put myself in a situation that would allow temptation. And I sit here, listening to Derek Webb, wondering if I am, after all, crazy. Maybe the problem is not that I cannot hold the balance, but that I haven't mastered either side yet, and therefore cannot maintain what I do not know. Or maybe I am just rambling after a long night....